I think my body hates me. I just can’t seem to get past this weight. I know I could be eating much less or working out much more and do it, but I’m trying so hard to keep it healthy and not trigger myself back into ED. MEH. I’m just going to try a little harder. I know it shouldn’t be important, but I hate my post birth body so much and just want to lose the weight now. Ophelia is over 5 months now! I just need to keep myself in check because I’m exclusively breastfeeding and can’t afford to mess up my supply. And I’ve been doing so well in recovery this last month, I’ve surprised myself.

My arse muscles hurt from the gym yesterday. This is good.

17 weeks!

Well, I cannot believe it! She’s getting big! I thought she was 16 weeks, and one of her birthday twins from my birth group had to correct me! How embarrassing! She’s growing beautifully. Doing so well. I haven’t been to the HV for almost 4 weeks, so going this week to have her weighed. I reckon she weighs almost 6kg! If she does, she’s doubled her birthweight. I’m so proud!
Went to my weigh in at slimming world today. I now call it fat fighters like in little Britain, makes me chuckle! After my half a pound gain last week, lost a pound and a half, pleaded! I did have one very bad day…..so I am pleased. Going to have a good week this week, I can feel it! Got 4 gym sessions planned. I can see my muscles coming back already, madness that it happens after only a few workouts! Must have been to the gym about 7 times in the last month. I did the race plus some work at home too, but I’m amazed. It’s encouraging me! I think SW is a good plan for someone in recovery. Not so much counting and all the free foods. It hasn’t triggered me at all.
I was shocked at the meeting today. There are lots of other mums there. I’m the only one breast feeding. Last week one of them was giving her 3 month old a bottle of juice! And today, one was feeding her 7 month old biscuits with jarred baby dessert stuff! I don’t get it, are people really that ignorant? Why would you give your baby long life food from a jar? And bloody sugary biscuits? There are no nutrients there! Ok, so I sound like a judgemental bitch, I’m going to shut up now and expect hate.

I know it’s a bit sad but I joined slimming world on Monday. I’m really trying to get some kind of handle on my eating. So far so good. :) 5 days b/p free and I already feel much better, sleeping much more (not b/ping at night when baby is sleeping), and getting many more nutrients. Breastfeeding on such a dreadful lifestyle was literally taking it out of me. I felt awful. I’ve been following the green plan, obviously, not eating any meat and so far I’m loving it. I’m eating really well, getting lots of healthy stuff. I also joined the gym a few weeks ago, but haven’t been as often as I would like, it’s hard with the baby. I hope I lose some weight, I hate my body now. I know I had a baby, but it’s been 14 and half weeks and my weight has been yoyoing horribly for a couple of months now. Restricting, b/ping, low carbing (so hard with no meat) has done me no favours. I know this will take a while, but I’m glad I’m doing something for myself. :) I hope I can finally succeed.

I love this!

I love this!

NEED TO LOSE need to lose NEED TO LOSE need to lose

Someone, anyone, tell me what it is like to be perfect?  Is anyone out there perfect?  Is anyone happy?  Does anyone love themselves?  Is there hope, or shall I just give up?  I don’t want to do this anymore.  Really need to lose weight.  A lot of it.