So I have been having a pretty shitty week. Eating wise, mood wise, Ophelia has been unwell and grumpy as hell, I was sick, my lover was sick, all was not well in my world, so, of course, my eating was the first thing to go out the window……..which is exactly what I am trying to change. I need to find better, less destructive outlets for my stress.
So I went to counselling this evening, and while I was there, it was all a bit….meh….but I think maybe she actually inspired some good ideas and gave me some motivation. I was hoping for a new perspective on things, and maybe some insight, but I’m not sure how much I can get after all this time. I’ve been like this for so many years and looked at it from so many different angles and thought about it and analysed it countless countless times. I still think there is some kind of breakthrough to be made. I hope……
So I am going to start with a food diary again, and food plan, because I know that helps, it’s just a pain in the arse. But it’s not forever and I am on a mission. Ophelia is going to start reciting bloody Hamlet soon and demanding to know why I named her after such a miserable character, she is getting so aware, I really don’t want her to be affected by my eating problems. Plus, I really need to learn to deal with stress better, I get so stressed out, by her, and life so easily! It all goes hand in hand.
After I picked Ophelia up from my mums tonight, I was really loving the sky, loving the music, I had By The Way on, so I drove to another small village, it’s a nice route, I used to cycle it when I was younger. It was so relaxing, and was just remembering lovely memories, past and not so past. Apart from just my own personal stress crap, life is good. Nothing much to get me worried, I’m in love, I’m feeling very devoted to this relationship, it’s kind of freaking me out, well, not really, ok, maybe a little. I think I am just going to go with it. It’s hard to love when you’ve been hurt in the past and you just don’t want to go there again, but I think it’s worse to half heartedly love. It is hard to let it go though. It’s hard to trust when that trust may have been tested and sometimes it’s hard not think the worst. I can be ridiculously negative…….I need a lot of reassurance. And it must be really annoying. Add that to the to do list……
I really need to work on Ophelia’s routine, she is getting very, very tantrumy, and not wanting to nap and waking up stupidly early. Which is upsetting…..to say the least. I’m going to see if I can work some kind of routine into my day. To be fair, we did sort of have one, but it was very liberal. Her being ill really threw it off as she wasn’t eating and was sleeping much more. Routine is good for everyone, it will be good for my eating too. I’m never going to be too fascist about, that wouldn’t work with my life and it really isn’t for me. But something needs to change!
I watched a very small and very adorable wren scuttle around the bottom of a tree trunk this afternoon and it was lovely. I mustn’t forget these wonderful moments, I’m so present, so free! I just need to worry less and live more. And love more. Everybody can always make room for more love!
One of the customers I chat to at work gave me a marathon book, and I started reading that today. I haven’t been running properly in so long! My ankle has been really annoying and I just needed to rest it. I’m not going to make the same mistake I did last time I thought it was better and run loads, I’m just going out for short runs till I know it’s safe. Plus I have new trainers which have been begging me to get them out. I will be curious to see how they are as they have some extra support compared to the Nike frees but are apparently still very lightweight. Well, we will see……I am no expert, but I hear that Brooks make good trainers. Hopefully I still have time before this 10k race to make some kind of dent into my aim of beating 50 mins! Totally doable…..must stay positive! I think I might have delusions of grandeur and I now have decided that I am definitely going to do the half marathon in less than 2 hours and 2 hours is way too much and my time needs to be less….so…..I might need to train lots. And then some more. I definitely need to look after myself, I am feeling so run down from this week, I can barely stand up half the time without my head spinning.
I’m going to check out a Montessori nursery in a few weeks. I am very interested in sending Ophelia there if it looks nice, and it will be good to get her around other babies and give me some time to not be crazy and when I start studying I will need that time! I am starting group therapy as well, and have no one to watch the miniature. So nursery seems to be the only option right now. I’m still not sure about the whole thing, it’s not near my house, it’s very expensive and, my baby! How can I leave her in a strange place for whole days! I am looking forwards to seeing it though, I am curious. It would be good for Ophelia, I’m sure.
So Carlsburg did not make this update, it has been not very punchy, and a little bit windey. So…I’ll just go get on with some food plans.