It’s not a weight disorder, it’s an eating disorder. You don’t have to be underweight to be ‘sick enough’.

I think I need to combine ed recovery with running and run for BEAT, the charity. Goal for next year. In my garish running outfit!

Ophelia slept till 0630 today! She’s such a hero!! Then she boobed for literally an hour and a half. I think she is having a growth spurt!

Feeling much more positive again, got some sleep, and am remembering all the kind things that people did for me yesterday. I crashed in front of an estate agents and one of the guys knew me as he comes to my restaurant a lot. He made me a cup of tea while I moved my car out the way and made me sit in the sofa with said tea while the police came. The policeman was the sweetest and we had a good old chat and he didn’t make me feel like the biggest idiot alive for crashing into a wooden post and explained what I needed to do. And he let me sit in his van. I
resisted the overwhelming urge to try on his hat while he wasn’t looking! I went to sit in a coffee shop while I organised recovery for my car and they gave me free coffee. :) And I actually made it to the staff meeting and my colleagues were really kind and one of them gave me a lift to my sisters house, and she made me food and tea while I got stuck on the phone to the insurance company.

I’m annoyed because I had a meeting with the park ranger about volunteering and totally forgot and only remembered as I woke up this morning. Will call him now.

Today will involve:

•Being on the phone to the garage as they are being crap, or the insurance is being crap, but my car is still in the yard and not being looked at!

•Doing the workout vegancupcakecommander kindly sent me! :) he’s awesome and everyone should follow his blog.

•Moving my neck about as much as possible as it feels so stiff and sore and I am pretty sure I have whiplash.

•Keeping the cutest baby alive entertained. She’s being very very clingy at the moment and I wonder if she is missing him, maybe she thinks I am going to leave her too. It must be hard for her too. :( She is a pro walker now and I’ll take her outside so she can toddle around.

•And of course, making and eating yummy food. My eating as been really good, I haven’t b/ped in so long! Weeks! So fucking proud. And apart from eating a few little chocolates yesterday and feeling guilty and I have been doing really well, eating all sorts and just taking it in my stride. The group is starting next week, I haven’t got anyone to watch Ophelia yet and I might not have a car now either. But I do have someone the week after and hopefully nursery should be sorted after that. I can take the bus. I don’t want to miss the first week though. I’m sure I can pull something out of the bag.

Also, if my car is written off I can buy a bike and trailer! Silver linings and all. :)

This mammoth post has been brought to you courtesy of earl grey tea!

If carlsburg made updates, it probably wouldn’t be this one……

So I have been having a pretty shitty week. Eating wise, mood wise, Ophelia has been unwell and grumpy as hell, I was sick, my lover was sick, all was not well in my world, so, of course, my eating was the first thing to go out the window……..which is exactly what I am trying to change. I need to find better, less destructive outlets for my stress.

So I went to counselling this evening, and while I was there, it was all a bit….meh….but I think maybe she actually inspired some good ideas and gave me some motivation. I was hoping for a new perspective on things, and maybe some insight, but I’m not sure how much I can get after all this time. I’ve been like this for so many years and looked at it from so many different angles and thought about it and analysed it countless countless times. I still think there is some kind of breakthrough to be made. I hope……

So I am going to start with a food diary again, and food plan, because I know that helps, it’s just a pain in the arse. But it’s not forever and I am on a mission. Ophelia is going to start reciting bloody Hamlet soon and demanding to know why I named her after such a miserable character, she is getting so aware, I really don’t want her to be affected by my eating problems. Plus, I really need to learn to deal with stress better, I get so stressed out, by her, and life so easily! It all goes hand in hand.

After I picked Ophelia up from my mums tonight, I was really loving the sky, loving the music, I had By The Way on, so I drove to another small village, it’s a nice route, I used to cycle it when I was younger. It was so relaxing, and was just remembering lovely memories, past and not so past. Apart from just my own personal stress crap, life is good. Nothing much to get me worried, I’m in love, I’m feeling very devoted to this relationship, it’s kind of freaking me out, well, not really, ok, maybe a little. I think I am just going to go with it. It’s hard to love when you’ve been hurt in the past and you just don’t want to go there again, but I think it’s worse to half heartedly love. It is hard to let it go though. It’s hard to trust when that trust may have been tested and sometimes it’s hard not think the worst. I can be ridiculously negative…….I need a lot of reassurance. And it must be really annoying. Add that to the to do list……

I really need to work on Ophelia’s routine, she is getting very, very tantrumy, and not wanting to nap and waking up stupidly early. Which is upsetting…..to say the least. I’m going to see if I can work some kind of routine into my day. To be fair, we did sort of have one, but it was very liberal. Her being ill really threw it off as she wasn’t eating and was sleeping much more. Routine is good for everyone, it will be good for my eating too. I’m never going to be too fascist about, that wouldn’t work with my life and it really isn’t for me. But something needs to change!

I watched a very small and very adorable wren scuttle around the bottom of a tree trunk this afternoon and it was lovely. I mustn’t forget these wonderful moments, I’m so present, so free! I just need to worry less and live more. And love more. Everybody can always make room for more love!

One of the customers I chat to at work gave me a marathon book, and I started reading that today. I haven’t been running properly in so long! My ankle has been really annoying and I just needed to rest it. I’m not going to make the same mistake I did last time I thought it was better and run loads, I’m just going out for short runs till I know it’s safe. Plus I have new trainers which have been begging me to get them out. I will be curious to see how they are as they have some extra support compared to the Nike frees but are apparently still very lightweight. Well, we will see……I am no expert, but I hear that Brooks make good trainers. Hopefully I still have time before this 10k race to make some kind of dent into my aim of beating 50 mins! Totally doable…..must stay positive! I think I might have delusions of grandeur and I now have decided that I am definitely going to do the half marathon in less than 2 hours and 2 hours is way too much and my time needs to be less….so…..I might need to train lots. And then some more. I definitely need to look after myself, I am feeling so run down from this week, I can barely stand up half the time without my head spinning.

I’m going to check out a Montessori nursery in a few weeks. I am very interested in sending Ophelia there if it looks nice, and it will be good to get her around other babies and give me some time to not be crazy and when I start studying I will need that time! I am starting group therapy as well, and have no one to watch the miniature. So nursery seems to be the only option right now. I’m still not sure about the whole thing, it’s not near my house, it’s very expensive and, my baby! How can I leave her in a strange place for whole days! I am looking forwards to seeing it though, I am curious. It would be good for Ophelia, I’m sure.

So Carlsburg did not make this update, it has been not very punchy, and a little bit windey. So…I’ll just go get on with some food plans.

I have been having a shocking week eating wise. :( I think being sick for a couple of days triggered it, it ruined my eating routine and I can’t seem to get back into it.

I hate eating disorders and how they invade every part of your life, get their ugly tentacles into every nook in your brain and poison every thought, every meal, every single fucking day of your life. Get fucked. No time for this shit. I am stress eliminating. This is one load of stress I do not need.

I’m on a mission. I’ve decided. Less stuff, less baggage, less poison, less toxic bullshit, less stress. If I don’t need it, it has to go. I’m so sick of all this pointless shit. I just want love and peace and that is all.

I drove home from our birthday dinner really slowly last night. I enjoyed the sunset and let my mind wonder. I sat in the car till the sun had set and bathed in the sodium streetlights, watching the bats. I can’t believe my baby is one. I can’t believe I have a one year old. We made it, by ourselves. With lots of help.

There are times where being a lone parent are hard. I don’t think about it often, it doesn’t usually bother me, but I felt really guilty yesterday. And sad. There was so much guilt and sadness and there should have been more joy. I wish I didn’t feel guilty about everything all the time. She’s OK. She’s perfect. She doesn’t care, it’s her first birthday. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t get to do her cake properly. Only to me. My family don’t celebrate birthdays and I always promised myself I would make my child feel special. Many birthdays to come.

My lover and I took her out for dinner at our favourite veggie restaurant. The food was nice and she ate lots of chickpeas, but she wasn’t well. She has a cough at the moment. It’s the first time she has been properly ill and I’m so annoyed it fell on her birthday. She got lots of nice presents and seemed to like all of them! So it really wasn’t a disaster.

I don’t know, I have been really stressed out about so many things lately and I think I just need to chill out. We’ll see how it all goes. I just hope Ophelia gets better soon. Counselling today, first session. :/ not sure how I feel about it. And then spin. Work it out, work it off.

I can almost see the summit! I’m sure this time!

Also, and most importantly, I am going to put myself into private conselling and sort this ED problem out once and for all. I won’t let it fuck up anymore of my future. And waiting on the NHS is proving dangerously futile.

I am fighting really hard right now. But it isn’t like it used to be. I am not alone, I am a mother, I have a family, small as it might be. I may be on the retreat, I may have had bad days, but I will never again give up. My little golden haired princess gives me hope and meaning and I love her more than I ever thought possible. Nothing will stand in my way, I worried that I was losing myself, I was only Ophelia’s mum and I was becoming small and insignificant. But I became two, my body grew a whole other being, with her own thoughts and feelings and a very determined little face! I will always be there for her and myself. I don’t want to fight with life anymore, I am just going to exist peacefully. Live and let live and love where it is wanted. I only want to make sure my princess is nurtured and loved and grows towards our sun. It’s hard, but it’s not hopeless anymore. And I always say, I gave birth, I can do anything now! I am a woman, a mother and I deserve to be happy and at peace.