If carlsburg made updates, it probably wouldn’t be this one……

So I have been having a pretty shitty week. Eating wise, mood wise, Ophelia has been unwell and grumpy as hell, I was sick, my lover was sick, all was not well in my world, so, of course, my eating was the first thing to go out the window……..which is exactly what I am trying to change. I need to find better, less destructive outlets for my stress.

So I went to counselling this evening, and while I was there, it was all a bit….meh….but I think maybe she actually inspired some good ideas and gave me some motivation. I was hoping for a new perspective on things, and maybe some insight, but I’m not sure how much I can get after all this time. I’ve been like this for so many years and looked at it from so many different angles and thought about it and analysed it countless countless times. I still think there is some kind of breakthrough to be made. I hope……

So I am going to start with a food diary again, and food plan, because I know that helps, it’s just a pain in the arse. But it’s not forever and I am on a mission. Ophelia is going to start reciting bloody Hamlet soon and demanding to know why I named her after such a miserable character, she is getting so aware, I really don’t want her to be affected by my eating problems. Plus, I really need to learn to deal with stress better, I get so stressed out, by her, and life so easily! It all goes hand in hand.

After I picked Ophelia up from my mums tonight, I was really loving the sky, loving the music, I had By The Way on, so I drove to another small village, it’s a nice route, I used to cycle it when I was younger. It was so relaxing, and was just remembering lovely memories, past and not so past. Apart from just my own personal stress crap, life is good. Nothing much to get me worried, I’m in love, I’m feeling very devoted to this relationship, it’s kind of freaking me out, well, not really, ok, maybe a little. I think I am just going to go with it. It’s hard to love when you’ve been hurt in the past and you just don’t want to go there again, but I think it’s worse to half heartedly love. It is hard to let it go though. It’s hard to trust when that trust may have been tested and sometimes it’s hard not think the worst. I can be ridiculously negative…….I need a lot of reassurance. And it must be really annoying. Add that to the to do list……

I really need to work on Ophelia’s routine, she is getting very, very tantrumy, and not wanting to nap and waking up stupidly early. Which is upsetting…..to say the least. I’m going to see if I can work some kind of routine into my day. To be fair, we did sort of have one, but it was very liberal. Her being ill really threw it off as she wasn’t eating and was sleeping much more. Routine is good for everyone, it will be good for my eating too. I’m never going to be too fascist about, that wouldn’t work with my life and it really isn’t for me. But something needs to change!

I watched a very small and very adorable wren scuttle around the bottom of a tree trunk this afternoon and it was lovely. I mustn’t forget these wonderful moments, I’m so present, so free! I just need to worry less and live more. And love more. Everybody can always make room for more love!

One of the customers I chat to at work gave me a marathon book, and I started reading that today. I haven’t been running properly in so long! My ankle has been really annoying and I just needed to rest it. I’m not going to make the same mistake I did last time I thought it was better and run loads, I’m just going out for short runs till I know it’s safe. Plus I have new trainers which have been begging me to get them out. I will be curious to see how they are as they have some extra support compared to the Nike frees but are apparently still very lightweight. Well, we will see……I am no expert, but I hear that Brooks make good trainers. Hopefully I still have time before this 10k race to make some kind of dent into my aim of beating 50 mins! Totally doable…..must stay positive! I think I might have delusions of grandeur and I now have decided that I am definitely going to do the half marathon in less than 2 hours and 2 hours is way too much and my time needs to be less….so…..I might need to train lots. And then some more. I definitely need to look after myself, I am feeling so run down from this week, I can barely stand up half the time without my head spinning.

I’m going to check out a Montessori nursery in a few weeks. I am very interested in sending Ophelia there if it looks nice, and it will be good to get her around other babies and give me some time to not be crazy and when I start studying I will need that time! I am starting group therapy as well, and have no one to watch the miniature. So nursery seems to be the only option right now. I’m still not sure about the whole thing, it’s not near my house, it’s very expensive and, my baby! How can I leave her in a strange place for whole days! I am looking forwards to seeing it though, I am curious. It would be good for Ophelia, I’m sure.

So Carlsburg did not make this update, it has been not very punchy, and a little bit windey. So…I’ll just go get on with some food plans.

I have been having a shocking week eating wise. :( I think being sick for a couple of days triggered it, it ruined my eating routine and I can’t seem to get back into it.

I hate eating disorders and how they invade every part of your life, get their ugly tentacles into every nook in your brain and poison every thought, every meal, every single fucking day of your life. Get fucked. No time for this shit. I am stress eliminating. This is one load of stress I do not need.

I’m on a mission. I’ve decided. Less stuff, less baggage, less poison, less toxic bullshit, less stress. If I don’t need it, it has to go. I’m so sick of all this pointless shit. I just want love and peace and that is all.

I drove home from our birthday dinner really slowly last night. I enjoyed the sunset and let my mind wonder. I sat in the car till the sun had set and bathed in the sodium streetlights, watching the bats. I can’t believe my baby is one. I can’t believe I have a one year old. We made it, by ourselves. With lots of help.

There are times where being a lone parent are hard. I don’t think about it often, it doesn’t usually bother me, but I felt really guilty yesterday. And sad. There was so much guilt and sadness and there should have been more joy. I wish I didn’t feel guilty about everything all the time. She’s OK. She’s perfect. She doesn’t care, it’s her first birthday. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t get to do her cake properly. Only to me. My family don’t celebrate birthdays and I always promised myself I would make my child feel special. Many birthdays to come.

My lover and I took her out for dinner at our favourite veggie restaurant. The food was nice and she ate lots of chickpeas, but she wasn’t well. She has a cough at the moment. It’s the first time she has been properly ill and I’m so annoyed it fell on her birthday. She got lots of nice presents and seemed to like all of them! So it really wasn’t a disaster.

I don’t know, I have been really stressed out about so many things lately and I think I just need to chill out. We’ll see how it all goes. I just hope Ophelia gets better soon. Counselling today, first session. :/ not sure how I feel about it. And then spin. Work it out, work it off.

I can almost see the summit! I’m sure this time!

Also, and most importantly, I am going to put myself into private conselling and sort this ED problem out once and for all. I won’t let it fuck up anymore of my future. And waiting on the NHS is proving dangerously futile.

I am fighting really hard right now. But it isn’t like it used to be. I am not alone, I am a mother, I have a family, small as it might be. I may be on the retreat, I may have had bad days, but I will never again give up. My little golden haired princess gives me hope and meaning and I love her more than I ever thought possible. Nothing will stand in my way, I worried that I was losing myself, I was only Ophelia’s mum and I was becoming small and insignificant. But I became two, my body grew a whole other being, with her own thoughts and feelings and a very determined little face! I will always be there for her and myself. I don’t want to fight with life anymore, I am just going to exist peacefully. Live and let live and love where it is wanted. I only want to make sure my princess is nurtured and loved and grows towards our sun. It’s hard, but it’s not hopeless anymore. And I always say, I gave birth, I can do anything now! I am a woman, a mother and I deserve to be happy and at peace.

So, I haven’t weighed myself since Sunday. I’m really pleased about this, although I really want to, I’m not. I did b/p on Monday night, I don’t even know why, I wasn’t in a bad mood or stressed or anything. I forgave myself pretty quickly, no use in getting upset over it, it happened. Ophelia stood up unaided for a few seconds! It was so exciting, I’m so so proud of her, she is doing so well. Had a really good day yesterday, went out with my friend, she’s got a little girl too, 3 months younger than Ophelia, so we always have lots to talk about, plus she is getting into running again after pregnancy and we pretend to be hardcore runners and talk about running and perve on trainers. And we talk about boys. Who run. I did buy myself some new trainers, and I took them out for a slow and easy 6km last night. Still undecided whether I like them or not. I guess I need to run them in. They are comfy to walk in though! And my boyfriend came to see me, which was lovely as I wasn’t expecting to see him all week, so a very pleasant surprise. Apart from Monday night, food has been good! So all is well in my world. If only I had a clean house……..

First order of the day. Hide scales (should have made someone take them away), and plan meals.

PS, there’s probably going to be lots of ed and food related posts. Sorry in advance.

Ok, a big bid on ed recovery this week. Have been letting it get away with all sorts of shit. Now I feel like shit. Sick of it controlling everything.