I hate eating disorders and how they invade every part of your life, get their ugly tentacles into every nook in your brain and poison every thought, every meal, every single fucking day of your life. Get fucked. No time for this shit. I am stress eliminating. This is one load of stress I do not need.

I’m on a mission. I’ve decided. Less stuff, less baggage, less poison, less toxic bullshit, less stress. If I don’t need it, it has to go. I’m so sick of all this pointless shit. I just want love and peace and that is all.

I drove home from our birthday dinner really slowly last night. I enjoyed the sunset and let my mind wonder. I sat in the car till the sun had set and bathed in the sodium streetlights, watching the bats. I can’t believe my baby is one. I can’t believe I have a one year old. We made it, by ourselves. With lots of help.

There are times where being a lone parent are hard. I don’t think about it often, it doesn’t usually bother me, but I felt really guilty yesterday. And sad. There was so much guilt and sadness and there should have been more joy. I wish I didn’t feel guilty about everything all the time. She’s OK. She’s perfect. She doesn’t care, it’s her first birthday. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t get to do her cake properly. Only to me. My family don’t celebrate birthdays and I always promised myself I would make my child feel special. Many birthdays to come.

My lover and I took her out for dinner at our favourite veggie restaurant. The food was nice and she ate lots of chickpeas, but she wasn’t well. She has a cough at the moment. It’s the first time she has been properly ill and I’m so annoyed it fell on her birthday. She got lots of nice presents and seemed to like all of them! So it really wasn’t a disaster.

I don’t know, I have been really stressed out about so many things lately and I think I just need to chill out. We’ll see how it all goes. I just hope Ophelia gets better soon. Counselling today, first session. :/ not sure how I feel about it. And then spin. Work it out, work it off.

I can almost see the summit! I’m sure this time!

Also, and most importantly, I am going to put myself into private conselling and sort this ED problem out once and for all. I won’t let it fuck up anymore of my future. And waiting on the NHS is proving dangerously futile.

I am fighting really hard right now. But it isn’t like it used to be. I am not alone, I am a mother, I have a family, small as it might be. I may be on the retreat, I may have had bad days, but I will never again give up. My little golden haired princess gives me hope and meaning and I love her more than I ever thought possible. Nothing will stand in my way, I worried that I was losing myself, I was only Ophelia’s mum and I was becoming small and insignificant. But I became two, my body grew a whole other being, with her own thoughts and feelings and a very determined little face! I will always be there for her and myself. I don’t want to fight with life anymore, I am just going to exist peacefully. Live and let live and love where it is wanted. I only want to make sure my princess is nurtured and loved and grows towards our sun. It’s hard, but it’s not hopeless anymore. And I always say, I gave birth, I can do anything now! I am a woman, a mother and I deserve to be happy and at peace.

So, I haven’t weighed myself since Sunday. I’m really pleased about this, although I really want to, I’m not. I did b/p on Monday night, I don’t even know why, I wasn’t in a bad mood or stressed or anything. I forgave myself pretty quickly, no use in getting upset over it, it happened. Ophelia stood up unaided for a few seconds! It was so exciting, I’m so so proud of her, she is doing so well. Had a really good day yesterday, went out with my friend, she’s got a little girl too, 3 months younger than Ophelia, so we always have lots to talk about, plus she is getting into running again after pregnancy and we pretend to be hardcore runners and talk about running and perve on trainers. And we talk about boys. Who run. I did buy myself some new trainers, and I took them out for a slow and easy 6km last night. Still undecided whether I like them or not. I guess I need to run them in. They are comfy to walk in though! And my boyfriend came to see me, which was lovely as I wasn’t expecting to see him all week, so a very pleasant surprise. Apart from Monday night, food has been good! So all is well in my world. If only I had a clean house……..

First order of the day. Hide scales (should have made someone take them away), and plan meals.

PS, there’s probably going to be lots of ed and food related posts. Sorry in advance.

Ok, a big bid on ed recovery this week. Have been letting it get away with all sorts of shit. Now I feel like shit. Sick of it controlling everything.

I’ve been having such a hard time with bloody food these last few days. Why does it have to be so hard?! Sometimes I miss having my family around, at least I could talk to someone. Even if I didn’t want to. Being a single mum is even lonielier than I imagined. I love Ophelia more than anything in the world, but sometimes I wish my life were different, I was somewhere else.

I think I need to be more aware of my feelings. I know that sounds dumb. But I’m constantly distracting myself or doing something. Never just asking myself, how do I feel. I think that is a big thing about ED. Keeps me distracted and busy and I never have to face how I feel. Something to work on.