My recovery through space and time

I have such bad heart burn/acid reflux that I don’t think I am going to be able to ever lay down again.  I have already eaten a load of rennies!!  It’s my fault, I ate too much today, and too many carbs.  And ED has been so awful, which is a massive factor.  I wish I could just get my act together.  I wake up meaning to have a good day, and it doesn’t happen.  I am not giving up though.  I know it’s worth the fight.  

petitpoissons:

dear body

i’m really really sorry

love me

So…………………ED recovery day one went terribly.  Starting again tomorrow.  I won’t give up while there are still tomorrows!!  I did have a nice day though, my sister came round and we watched the inbetweeners, made a vegan roast, played mariocart, annoyed my budgie by trying to kiss him and watched all the birds on the plate of seeds I left for them outside.  It was only when she left it all went downhill.  :(  When I am not feeling strong, I succumb the second I am alone.  Sad but true.  :(  

Baby kicked lots today, she is so strong, it always amazes me.  I also think I might have felt her first hiccups :D  I don’t know.  11 weeks till due date now, it’s so exciting!  

Tomorrow marks one year on tumblr for me, and the reason I started blogging was to help with my eating disorder recovery.  Since getting pregnant, it has morphed into something else, along with my life.  But I still am struggling with ED everyday, I still B/P, and maybe I should concentrate more on recovery in the last 11 weeks before I am due.  I don’t want to be a mum with an ED, I want to be healthy for my child.  I am scared that if I don’t sort it out it will affect breast feeding.  And I am so frightened of passing on disordered behaviours.  I really need to get back on the recovery wagon, full-time.   Going through old posts inspired me.  I spoke to my doctor today, we are going to try and get back on track.  I have just started having weekly blood tests because of ED, and he thinks we can stop that soon, just need to sort myself out.  I know I can.  I have the best motivation, baby girl.  Just need to keep positive.  I am finding it hard to manage my stress, which comes out as B/P and random outbursts of anger.    

I have gained way too much weight and don’t even know what to do with myself anymore.  Literally in the depths of despair and desperation.  When you do all you can to eat right and fight so hard against ED for the baby, and your body just screws you over royally.  9kg gained, and I am just shy of 21 weeks.  I have no words, they have all failed me, everything has failed me.  The systems, my body, calorie charts.  Everything has plotted against me to make me feel like the fattest, biggest pile of crap ever.  My new maternity trousers feel tight all ready and I already bought them in a size up from my pre pregnancy size.  I know everyone who hasn’t suffered ED thinks I am fucking pathetic and totally ridiculous right now.  I don’t blame you.  I am.  Welcome to ED.  

I’m struggling with ED today, and it seems I am not the only one.  I wish I could just selflessly give my body over to pregnancy, but I can’t.  I admit it, I still purge sometimes.  I can’t stand being full, and however much better I am now, I just can’t seem to cut it out all together.  And while other girls seem to be able to enjoy pregnancy treats, as soon as I eat a bit too much chocolate, or a bit too much cake, I have binged and must purge.  I am trying not to eat too much so I don’t feel like I have to, but sometimes I do.  I hate ED with my whole being, and I hate people that promote them, I hate thinspo, I hate everything to do with the pro ED movement.  My life would be so much easier without them. I am going to work now, and am back in the ring, I will fight ED, it just needs to leave me alone, let me enjoy my pregnancy without making my life so hard.  

coffeeandyoga:

I’m doing an assignment for my Psychology B course. The topic is on “Thinspiration and Pro-Ana websites/blogs/posts” and how they are a trigger for eating disorders. Anyone got any valuable input to add? Anyone been affected by these sites? 

Thank you

I’m reblogging this for anyone who follows me who might have some input.