My recovery through space and time

Tomorrow marks one year on tumblr for me, and the reason I started blogging was to help with my eating disorder recovery.  Since getting pregnant, it has morphed into something else, along with my life.  But I still am struggling with ED everyday, I still B/P, and maybe I should concentrate more on recovery in the last 11 weeks before I am due.  I don’t want to be a mum with an ED, I want to be healthy for my child.  I am scared that if I don’t sort it out it will affect breast feeding.  And I am so frightened of passing on disordered behaviours.  I really need to get back on the recovery wagon, full-time.   Going through old posts inspired me.  I spoke to my doctor today, we are going to try and get back on track.  I have just started having weekly blood tests because of ED, and he thinks we can stop that soon, just need to sort myself out.  I know I can.  I have the best motivation, baby girl.  Just need to keep positive.  I am finding it hard to manage my stress, which comes out as B/P and random outbursts of anger.    

I have gained way too much weight and don’t even know what to do with myself anymore.  Literally in the depths of despair and desperation.  When you do all you can to eat right and fight so hard against ED for the baby, and your body just screws you over royally.  9kg gained, and I am just shy of 21 weeks.  I have no words, they have all failed me, everything has failed me.  The systems, my body, calorie charts.  Everything has plotted against me to make me feel like the fattest, biggest pile of crap ever.  My new maternity trousers feel tight all ready and I already bought them in a size up from my pre pregnancy size.  I know everyone who hasn’t suffered ED thinks I am fucking pathetic and totally ridiculous right now.  I don’t blame you.  I am.  Welcome to ED.  

coffeeandyoga:

I’m doing an assignment for my Psychology B course. The topic is on “Thinspiration and Pro-Ana websites/blogs/posts” and how they are a trigger for eating disorders. Anyone got any valuable input to add? Anyone been affected by these sites? 

Thank you

I’m reblogging this for anyone who follows me who might have some input.  

Can’t stop being bulimic even though I am pregnant.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  I was craving sweet food, so made myself some oats with dates, walnuts and bananas…….that’s cool.  Still more craving, had some chocolate……..hmmm not so great, then CAKE!!  Of course of I was going to purge, not purging was never going to happen after that, so why would I eat it, why am I doing this, oh god, someone help me.  I don’t deserve to be a mother.

I have been away a long time, so many things have happened.  I don’t really know where to start catching up, so I won’t.  Needless to say I am still a massive bulimic and might aswell kill myself.  Whatever I do, where ever I am, it doesn’t matter, bulimia always wins, it wins against everybody and everything.  I am also at my high weight and it makes me sick, I hate everything about my body, I barely look in the mirror and every time I think about it, it just makes me want to die.  I try and eat less, but I can’t, I seem to be in a constant state of binging.  To be honest, my lifestyle isn’t great, I work too much and let myself get stressed out by work.  I don’t eat well, I probably drink too much and I have stopped taking my meds.  I am generally a disaster zone.  I know I can change this, I just don’t know how.  Sometimes I will tell myself I won’t binge that day, try eating healthy meals, but before I know it there is a slice of pizza or some chips in my hand.  No hope.  I wish I could hide away and hibernate till bulimia relinquishes control over me, but I know I have to fight it, and I don’t have the power to right now.  Ok, pathetic depressing post over, sorry guys.